That is a conversation Yelena and I have been having, actually.
[Natasha's tone is subdued, her brows pinching slightly as though puzzling through something unfamiliar. The reluctance as she says it isn't pain so much as uncertainty talking about herself, hesitation to take the focus herself.
In a strange way it's easier to reveal things when the choice was strategic, a way to encourage a bond.
Harder to sound as though she might be taking advice.]
I'd been toying with the idea of changing my regret for a while, but the more I think about it the more it seems like it might be smarter to give it up entirely.
[She shrugs; not the same reasons.]
Yelena wants me to us my regret to survive Vormir. Maybe not home, but somewhere. The more I think about it, though, the more I think about the orbs on Viveca's world, and Degar's, the old captain's... it's a little strong to be a coincidence, and I just don't know if it's worth risking that kind of attention if something goes wrong.
๏ผ and that's where they differ. even acknowledging that he would not object to remaining aboard the ximilia means nothing when, at the end of it all, he will still choose death. nothing — not the friends he's made or the love he's felt or the peace he's made with the blood on his hands will ever change that. death has had a hold on him as long as he has been alive, since that first moment his knife bit bone in a stranger's neck, and he had carried that memory with him off a cliffside.
reflex had saved him. but even that had not been a desire to live. it had simply been an acceptance of living.
When I got out of the Red Room, I left Yelena behind. I let myself believe that she'd be all right—that she'd be all right without me checking in on her, that I'd cut off the head.
๏ผ isn't that so like an older sibling. he snorts, very nearly in amusement. ๏ผ
I see. Do you not think that may alter the trajectory of your fate on Vormir?
๏ผ events bleed into one another, things that seem small grow from the seed of past actions. it may change. it may not. without knowing what lies between those two paths, it's difficult to gauge correctly. ๏ผ
[It could change a lot of things. Would she still be an Avenger? She hinks so, but who's to say. Would Yelena have gotten wrapped up in that part of her life?
Sixteen years is a lot of time for the butterfly effect to do its thing. At the same time...]
It's possible anything I change might do that, since the people we lost in the snap were random. Any change might change who lived and died that day for all I know...
But I lost Yelena in the Snap once, and if it happened again I'm fairly confident I'd make the same choice even if other things had played out differently.
๏ผ who she is, and what yelena means to her — those things were solidified well in advance of the time of her regret. very likely she's correct.
he sets the water bottle between them on the bench, and then laces his hands between his knees. he leans forward as he does, feeling the pull of scar tissue against his right shoulder where venom's claws bit into him. ๏ผ
Knowing what we do about the effect of the orbs — that they create a divergent timeline, and not that they amend our own — changing your regret would still not necessarily result in the Natasha you have come to be here and now continuing to survive.
๏ผ it isn't said with any cruelty — it's more speculative. he's certain she's examined the possibilities from all angles, but it does help, sometimes, to discuss such things aloud. ๏ผ
๏ผ yelena is older than he is, but it's almost impossible to see her that way. she carries herself in a way he's accustomed to associating with younger siblings — and this conversation is only driving it home all the more.
would sasuke say the same of him, now? possessing the knowledge itachi has now left him with?
love between siblings is a curious thing. ๏ผ
Ultimately, ๏ผ he begins thoughtfully, with a faint press of his lips punctuating the single word, ๏ผ what Yelena wants is not relevant. The choice should only be yours. If you have made the decision for yourself that you want to live, I will help you. I've completed every one of my personal goals to this point. If that goodwill ๏ผ his mouth quirks upwards — an ironic word for it, he knows ๏ผ can be transferred to you, it's yours.
[That does surprise Natasha. In a way, it never fails to surprise her when people help her—when someone sees her as someone worth trying to save. Clint did that for her once, and Steve in a way. Both of them had seen someone in her who could deserve to have a place in the world.
She's not sure that she agrees with any of them, really, but that sort of faith is part of why she does what she does, attempting to be better than her roots. Attempting to help where she can.
Attempting to be kind.]
I'd ask if you're sure about that, but I get the feeling you've never been unsure about anything once you've decided to do it.
[She means it as a joke, a gentle deflection for an act of support she never asked for and didn't expect.]
Thank you. Whether or not I decide to go through with it.
I think, as with anything that we've done to this point, there will be risks and dangers. But... for what it's worth, Natasha, I value your life. Our time together. I would be gladdened to see you live in any capacity, for as long as life allows.
๏ผ sombre words. but he means them — perhaps made more clearly by the fact that he doesn't quite make eye contact as he says it. ultimately, he rarely shies away from such a thing. too blunt, too direct, too well accustomed to the weapon his eyes pose to the world. letting his gaze skirt hers, and settle somewhere over her shoulder is telling in and of itself, how uncomfortable he finds it to speak so plainly. ๏ผ
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[Natasha's tone is subdued, her brows pinching slightly as though puzzling through something unfamiliar. The reluctance as she says it isn't pain so much as uncertainty talking about herself, hesitation to take the focus herself.
In a strange way it's easier to reveal things when the choice was strategic, a way to encourage a bond.
Harder to sound as though she might be taking advice.]
I'd been toying with the idea of changing my regret for a while, but the more I think about it the more it seems like it might be smarter to give it up entirely.
[She shrugs; not the same reasons.]
Yelena wants me to us my regret to survive Vormir. Maybe not home, but somewhere. The more I think about it, though, the more I think about the orbs on Viveca's world, and Degar's, the old captain's... it's a little strong to be a coincidence, and I just don't know if it's worth risking that kind of attention if something goes wrong.
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๏ผ survive, he means. a loaded question between them, given their respective lives. but — meaningful, nevertheless. ๏ผ
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[She doesn't mean it defensively, more acknowledging that it was complicated. It's still complicated.]
I just had higher priorities than surviving. Still do, technically.
[She still can't do anything that would endanger her sacrifice, or have someone else make it in her place.]
But I guess... somewhere along the line, I did start wanting to live a little more.
[And there's the distinction. She hadn't wanted to die, but she hadn't been especially invested in living either.]
Always figured I'd end up in a ditch somewhere, and I'd made peace with that.
cw: suicidal ideations
reflex had saved him. but even that had not been a desire to live. it had simply been an acceptance of living.
he closes his eyes briefly. then: ๏ผ
What is your regret? Currently.
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When I got out of the Red Room, I left Yelena behind. I let myself believe that she'd be all right—that she'd be all right without me checking in on her, that I'd cut off the head.
And I figured she'd be better off without me.
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I see. Do you not think that may alter the trajectory of your fate on Vormir?
๏ผ events bleed into one another, things that seem small grow from the seed of past actions. it may change. it may not. without knowing what lies between those two paths, it's difficult to gauge correctly. ๏ผ
no subject
[It could change a lot of things. Would she still be an Avenger? She hinks so, but who's to say. Would Yelena have gotten wrapped up in that part of her life?
Sixteen years is a lot of time for the butterfly effect to do its thing. At the same time...]
It's possible anything I change might do that, since the people we lost in the snap were random. Any change might change who lived and died that day for all I know...
But I lost Yelena in the Snap once, and if it happened again I'm fairly confident I'd make the same choice even if other things had played out differently.
no subject
๏ผ who she is, and what yelena means to her — those things were solidified well in advance of the time of her regret. very likely she's correct.
he sets the water bottle between them on the bench, and then laces his hands between his knees. he leans forward as he does, feeling the pull of scar tissue against his right shoulder where venom's claws bit into him. ๏ผ
Knowing what we do about the effect of the orbs — that they create a divergent timeline, and not that they amend our own — changing your regret would still not necessarily result in the Natasha you have come to be here and now continuing to survive.
๏ผ it isn't said with any cruelty — it's more speculative. he's certain she's examined the possibilities from all angles, but it does help, sometimes, to discuss such things aloud. ๏ผ
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[Like trying to think of a way to outsmart a monkey's paw. Which of course, leads naturally to her conclusion.]
Yelena would probably still say that at least some version of me would have a chance.
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would sasuke say the same of him, now? possessing the knowledge itachi has now left him with?
love between siblings is a curious thing. ๏ผ
Ultimately, ๏ผ he begins thoughtfully, with a faint press of his lips punctuating the single word, ๏ผ what Yelena wants is not relevant. The choice should only be yours. If you have made the decision for yourself that you want to live, I will help you. I've completed every one of my personal goals to this point. If that goodwill ๏ผ his mouth quirks upwards — an ironic word for it, he knows ๏ผ can be transferred to you, it's yours.
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She's not sure that she agrees with any of them, really, but that sort of faith is part of why she does what she does, attempting to be better than her roots. Attempting to help where she can.
Attempting to be kind.]
I'd ask if you're sure about that, but I get the feeling you've never been unsure about anything once you've decided to do it.
[She means it as a joke, a gentle deflection for an act of support she never asked for and didn't expect.]
Thank you. Whether or not I decide to go through with it.
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๏ผ that intractable nature. never let it be said he's unaware of his own flaws, for all that it's said in that selfsame joking manner. ๏ผ
I know we've discussed the possibility of remaining aboard the Ximilia in the past as well. If that is still an option, would that suffice?
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[Even if it opens a whole list of questions, the answers currently unknown.]
If we find out what that even means. But it would seem like the best way for the version of me that I've become to have a future.
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๏ผ sombre words. but he means them — perhaps made more clearly by the fact that he doesn't quite make eye contact as he says it. ultimately, he rarely shies away from such a thing. too blunt, too direct, too well accustomed to the weapon his eyes pose to the world. letting his gaze skirt hers, and settle somewhere over her shoulder is telling in and of itself, how uncomfortable he finds it to speak so plainly. ๏ผ
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Maybe that's why she appreciates sincerity so much, honesty, especially when it doesn't come easy.
Her tongue flicks over her lips and she tilts her head, touched with nowhere to put the emotion.]
It was nice having someone to dance with today. There's some movies you can only do with two.
[Talking around the point.]
I wouldn't mind giving you a few more lessons, if you're interested?
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๏ผ in what limited time remains. ๏ผ