Yeah. Honestly? I think I would have done the same thing too.
[ And he doesn't even need to feel protective over Viveca (because they really don't know each other; he's never really spoken to her either) to feel that way.
He exhales. ]
I haven't really kept a lot of my life a secret since I got here, maybe because most of us are strangers from totally different worlds or because of the nature of our contracts, but I'm not exactly sharing everything either.
（ he has... a great many thoughts on the matter of secrecy. in his world, the entrails of his life were split, strewn and sifted through — picked over by carrion birds. what he wished to be private, he never spoke of to anyone save the sandaime — and after he died, the years that followed were observed in silence.
there are things he, by preference more than need, keeps to himself here. the others knowing of his past would not ruin him, but it would make his time here — difficult, in the sense that he would be anathema. much of what is done in this place requires some level of trust, and while operating without it is not impossible, it would be an effort.
there are elements, he imagines, of shang-chi's life that he does not wish known for — not the same, but similar reasons. he thinks of what he saw of his childhood, how strangely familiar it had been. no child is raised in that way unless they are a weapon, and the purpose of a weapon is to kill. he cannot say definitively how many bodies the man may have left in his wake, but he is certain it is not zero.
yet, he is still heartsick for the child he had been, who had reminded him so much of sasuke. ）
I think it can be a panacea — knowing we will not see each other again after the conclusion of our mission. Or possibly, that we will not remember at all. It becomes easier to share, knowing there will be no consequence that reaches past the hull of this ship.
Yeah, I think you're exactly right. It has been easier knowing that a lot of us will never see each other again once this is all over and done. [ It isn't something he thinks a lot about, but saying those words aloud ... suddenly feel a little complicated.
But never mind. ] And I guess it didn't exactly help having no control over what we saw in that dream-world either, huh?
[ Shang-chi's mouth quirks a bit, not really out of any actual regret for what had happened. If anything, sharing some of his past like that was easier than putting it into words ever could have done. And if anything, sharing it felt like a release. It'd been his first mission, and what a mission, but it served as an appropriate ice-breaker for joining a team that had already seen two missions through.
It gave him friendships like the ones he has with Andy and Yamato, and yeah, awkwardness aside, the one he feels he has with Itachi too. He feels close to this man because that secret, quiet part of himself locked away in memory had been handled with such trust and care in Itachi's hands. That small boy had never felt anything like that with his old teacher, who only doled out punishment and relentless instruction. There was never any understanding, only a job to be done and a child to sharpen into an efficient weapon at any cost. ]
Turned out not to be a bad thing, though. Just ... maybe a little too honest for someone who just joined the team.
（ he cannot imagine it helps, that their relationship has been what it has — awkward fits and starts while they navigate around each other, each unaccustomed to the vulnerability that experience carved out of them. itachi would never have been half so gentle if he had known he faced the memories of an adult, and not a child in truth — but he does not regret having acted as he did, in hindsight. it was only that he took greater care in being guarded all those many months ago. what shang-chi saw of him was something he has spent long, meticulous years cutting away.
now nearer a year than not, he finds that memory is the first thing he has held to himself in a long time that he can look back on and be proud of. he had forgotten how warming it was, to simply be kind. ）
You could not have known that at the time. （ that it wasn't a bad thing, he means. ） I was a stranger to you, you could not trust I would not use what I learned to my advantage.
（ such things are always a risk. whatever the state of shang-chi's world beyond the walls of that compound may have been, he was raised in a way that cleaved so achingly close to a shinobi child that any amount of familiarity was likely an incalculable risk. ）
Your memory... it permitted me to be someone I thought I had lost. I am sorry that sharing it was not a choice you could make for yourself, but it was meaningful to me.
That did occur to me. Anyone who managed to drop into those memories, anyone who saw my past — it's not like I could stop them from seeing it any more than I could stop that castle or the orb from projecting those memories in the first place.
[ It would be wholly naïve to think otherwise, to assume he could trust every person on this crew anyway; and while he's made some friends here, which is already kind of a feat in itself after spending ten years keeping his distance, he still can't say that he does trust everyone.
It was a vulnerable place to be put in, maybe even dangerous, and he's just glad it all worked out — somehow. ]
But you know what, I'm glad you saw it. I mean, I'm glad you of all people saw it. I don't really know much about you, but what I remember of you then ...
[ He shrugs a shoulder.
It's ... hard to put that into words, that weird level of kinship for someone he barely even knew, especially as a child of seven. ]
（ he is silent for a long, measured moment. and then he cants his head to one side, as if listening to something in the far distance.
then: ）
What do you wish to know of me?
（ he has not given anyone such an open-ended offer aboard the ximilia. but then — no on else has really earned it in the same way. he has been cruel with shang-chi, held him at arm's length because he disdained the vulnerability he displayed in minding him as a child — but it bothers him less now as then. ）
[ Being put on the spot like that, having such an open-ended offer ... it feels a little bit like kind of an honour but also puts the pressure on him to feel like he has to choose the right question. You know, to make sure he isn't wasting this opportunity.
But it occurs to him in that same moment that that's not really what friendship is either. Itachi isn't some temple sphinx he needs to decipher the right riddle from in order to move forward and gain the ultimate treasure. He's ... a mystery, sure, but he's a crewmember with a history and baggage and reasons that brought him to the Ximilia like Shang-chi is too. For him this isn't an exchange of truths for the sake of evening some invisible playing field. There is no leverage to be won here. He's just ... curious to know more about him. To build their own bond and draw in just a little closer. Is it naive? Maybe. But he's had his walls built up so high for so long, and Itachi was one of the first people on this station to get past them. That's something. ]
Do you or did you ... have any family? Brothers or sisters? Back home?
[ Maybe a hard question to ask from the get-go, but it's the most relevant one he can think of. Family is so much of Shang-chi's cause for both strife and something to fight for. It's what led him here, all those years ago, but it's his reason to keep going too. ]
（ he does not think the man could have asked any other question but that. family has been a thread of the same colour woven through the shared violence of their lives, and itachi pushes his hair back from his face with a practiced, elegant gesture. ）
A brother.
（ only gwen knows of him, information offered then as penance. but he does not mind shang-chi knowing. in fact, saying so is almost a balm. his expression reflects a faint smile, fond, that tugs at one corner of his mouth. he cannot say he will ever forgive himself for the violence he visited on his younger brother — even if it should be undone, it will still be a thing carried. but when the love is permitted to shine through, oh but it is bright. ）
Younger than me by some six years. His name is Sasuke.
[ Shang-chi watches the way Itachi's expression changes ... it's minute, but it's there, and he can suddenly see how it fits together in his mind, how it all kind of makes sense. The way that he'd treated him as a child ... it felt like something an older brother might do, in retrospect. ]
Sasuke. [ Shang-chi repeats, nodding. ] What's he like?
When last I knew him, he was sweet and gentle. Generous, kind to a fault. Strongly competitive, with a great yen to prove himself and his worth to our father. He lived in my shadow, and it was not kind to him.
（ his voice is very distant as he speaks, no more inflection than if he had chanced to read a roster of shinobi registrations. ）
I did not see him from the time he was seven, until he was sixteen. I know very little of the man he became, and cannot say for certain how one might describe him now.
[ Shang-chi listens, putting this information to memory and feeling the hollow way it echoes something in his chest. He thinks of Xialing who was no more than ten years old before he left ... and then it wasn't until another ten years later before he saw her again.
He knows next to nothing about the person she is now, but ... he wants to. He wants to regain the last bit of family that he's got left. But something about what Itachi says strikes him as a little weird. ]
he could lie, but sees little point in doing so. a handful of people know, and he trusts shang-chi now more than he did clara then.
more than that, perhaps, is that he is tired of having mistruths inform his identity so completely he barely exists beyond them. )
No. I am dead in my world. ( there is a faint tilt of his head, reminiscent of the crows he calls. ) I met my end in combat. Very few shinobi survive to advanced age — it was not unexpected.
( it was in fact a goal, pursued with single-minded determination, from the time he was all of thirteen years old. )
Maybe it shouldn't have surprised him, or maybe it's because it doesn't, because he can see a situation where he winds up losing his own life in combat too, had also been prepared for it — but he looks back in Itachi's direction.
Honestly, his confession only brings about even more questions ... about how he came to be here, how he could have known that, what is involved in his regret, whether he'd get a chance to see things undone — you know, real easy conversational topics.
He nods suddenly feeling tongue-tied. ]
I'm —
[ He stops himself, because the words feel stupid to say. ]
（ there is only one sentiment he could have opted to truncate there, and itachi's expression does not so much as flicker. ）
Do not be.
（ sorry. but shang-chi is good-hearted, and it stands to reason that would be the thing he reaches for. compassion is difficult to come by, in lives like theirs. it is why his mien softens after a moment, and there is a touch of a smile at one corner of his mouth as he reaches out. his hand alights briefly, there and gone, on the man's shoulder. ）
[ He nods again, nearly letting out an exhale. It's good enough to be understood without having to say the words so explicitly, but he does mean the sentiment as much as he really can.
His mouth quirks in response too, a brief reflection of Itachi's faint smile. And then he swallows, thoughtful. ]
I don't really know how it works, like at what point is it that they decide to approach us and ask us to join this team. [ Whether it's at their most desperate moment or some other crucial moment in their lives. ] But I didn't think it was possible, to bring someone in who died.
I have no memory of 'being' dead, if that eases your mind. Whether the Orb made its offer in the last gasp of my consciousness or not I cannot say. I woke in the infirmary — perhaps it is possible they were able to resuscitate me from that brink.
（ he reclaims his chair, crosses his legs at the ankle. he looks — leisurely like this, perfectly at ease, commanding in a way that speaks to the upbringing of one expected, once upon a time, to lead armies. ）
However, there was a man here briefly — Shikamaru Nara, from my own world — who confirmed it.
（ it is something of a lie — shikamaru said no such thing directly, but it is easy to arrange the context of their conversations such that the inference exists. he had been out of chakra, his failing heart a stutter in his chest, more blinded than not by the cruel rigors of the mangekyō, bloody from a half-dozen wounds and burns and the drain of susano'o on his life. if he was not dead when sasuke's face slipped from his sight, he does not doubt his brother would have slit his throat to ensure it. it was the only way that fight could ever have ended. ）
[ That had been some time ago ... not even long since he'd joined the Ximilia crew. ]
I met him once, in the sunlight room. We didn't talk for that long but I didn't know he was from your world.
[ But it is something of a reassurance to know that the memory of dying or being dead isn't what Itachi came to the station with, especially when that could have easily been him too had things gone really badly back home.
And there were some pretty close calls.
More than that, he genuinely does hope for the best for his friend. Because after a year slowly getting to know him, to fight alongside him, and to share in each of these missions together, they are friends. Shang-chi wouldn't even say he's got many of those. ]
It was not something either of us were inclined to advertise.
（ itachi has never seen the point in being particularly secretive about what he is, and the barest amounts of what he can do. but then — he is accustomed to a certain level of notoriety. when one's face, name and life story are spilled across the pages of a bingo book, accompanied by a considerable reward for kill or capture, one learns very quickly that privacy is a tool to be wielded like any other, and discarded when it ceases to suit you. his reputation's preceding him allowed him to avoid situations that would have otherwise lead to a fight. few people want to face the sharingan, and fewer still a man so ruthless as to have murdered his own kin.
ximilia is, in point of fact, the first time in a decade that people only know what he has told them.
it's a strange, ephemeral sort of freedom. one that is still new enough to be precious to him. ）
He was from a point some three years after my death. Though he was not aboard the Ximilia long — I was grateful to learn what followed.
（ whatever else happened. kakashi's war, the destruction of konoha, all the deaths — sasuke lives until at least nineteen. ）
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I likely would have done the same.
（ whatever his own feelings on the matter are, he is protective of viveca. ）
It's difficult to offer up your life for others to sift through the fine details.
no subject
[ And he doesn't even need to feel protective over Viveca (because they really don't know each other; he's never really spoken to her either) to feel that way.
He exhales. ]
I haven't really kept a lot of my life a secret since I got here, maybe because most of us are strangers from totally different worlds or because of the nature of our contracts, but I'm not exactly sharing everything either.
no subject
there are things he, by preference more than need, keeps to himself here. the others knowing of his past would not ruin him, but it would make his time here — difficult, in the sense that he would be anathema. much of what is done in this place requires some level of trust, and while operating without it is not impossible, it would be an effort.
there are elements, he imagines, of shang-chi's life that he does not wish known for — not the same, but similar reasons. he thinks of what he saw of his childhood, how strangely familiar it had been. no child is raised in that way unless they are a weapon, and the purpose of a weapon is to kill. he cannot say definitively how many bodies the man may have left in his wake, but he is certain it is not zero.
yet, he is still heartsick for the child he had been, who had reminded him so much of sasuke. ）
I think it can be a panacea — knowing we will not see each other again after the conclusion of our mission. Or possibly, that we will not remember at all. It becomes easier to share, knowing there will be no consequence that reaches past the hull of this ship.
no subject
But never mind. ] And I guess it didn't exactly help having no control over what we saw in that dream-world either, huh?
[ Shang-chi's mouth quirks a bit, not really out of any actual regret for what had happened. If anything, sharing some of his past like that was easier than putting it into words ever could have done. And if anything, sharing it felt like a release. It'd been his first mission, and what a mission, but it served as an appropriate ice-breaker for joining a team that had already seen two missions through.
It gave him friendships like the ones he has with Andy and Yamato, and yeah, awkwardness aside, the one he feels he has with Itachi too. He feels close to this man because that secret, quiet part of himself locked away in memory had been handled with such trust and care in Itachi's hands. That small boy had never felt anything like that with his old teacher, who only doled out punishment and relentless instruction. There was never any understanding, only a job to be done and a child to sharpen into an efficient weapon at any cost. ]
Turned out not to be a bad thing, though. Just ... maybe a little too honest for someone who just joined the team.
no subject
now nearer a year than not, he finds that memory is the first thing he has held to himself in a long time that he can look back on and be proud of. he had forgotten how warming it was, to simply be kind. ）
You could not have known that at the time. （ that it wasn't a bad thing, he means. ） I was a stranger to you, you could not trust I would not use what I learned to my advantage.
（ such things are always a risk. whatever the state of shang-chi's world beyond the walls of that compound may have been, he was raised in a way that cleaved so achingly close to a shinobi child that any amount of familiarity was likely an incalculable risk. ）
Your memory... it permitted me to be someone I thought I had lost. I am sorry that sharing it was not a choice you could make for yourself, but it was meaningful to me.
no subject
[ It would be wholly naïve to think otherwise, to assume he could trust every person on this crew anyway; and while he's made some friends here, which is already kind of a feat in itself after spending ten years keeping his distance, he still can't say that he does trust everyone.
It was a vulnerable place to be put in, maybe even dangerous, and he's just glad it all worked out — somehow. ]
But you know what, I'm glad you saw it. I mean, I'm glad you of all people saw it. I don't really know much about you, but what I remember of you then ...
[ He shrugs a shoulder.
It's ... hard to put that into words, that weird level of kinship for someone he barely even knew, especially as a child of seven. ]
no subject
then: ）
What do you wish to know of me?
（ he has not given anyone such an open-ended offer aboard the ximilia. but then — no on else has really earned it in the same way. he has been cruel with shang-chi, held him at arm's length because he disdained the vulnerability he displayed in minding him as a child — but it bothers him less now as then. ）
no subject
But it occurs to him in that same moment that that's not really what friendship is either. Itachi isn't some temple sphinx he needs to decipher the right riddle from in order to move forward and gain the ultimate treasure. He's ... a mystery, sure, but he's a crewmember with a history and baggage and reasons that brought him to the Ximilia like Shang-chi is too. For him this isn't an exchange of truths for the sake of evening some invisible playing field. There is no leverage to be won here. He's just ... curious to know more about him. To build their own bond and draw in just a little closer. Is it naive? Maybe. But he's had his walls built up so high for so long, and Itachi was one of the first people on this station to get past them. That's something. ]
Do you or did you ... have any family? Brothers or sisters? Back home?
[ Maybe a hard question to ask from the get-go, but it's the most relevant one he can think of. Family is so much of Shang-chi's cause for both strife and something to fight for. It's what led him here, all those years ago, but it's his reason to keep going too. ]
no subject
A brother.
（ only gwen knows of him, information offered then as penance. but he does not mind shang-chi knowing. in fact, saying so is almost a balm. his expression reflects a faint smile, fond, that tugs at one corner of his mouth. he cannot say he will ever forgive himself for the violence he visited on his younger brother — even if it should be undone, it will still be a thing carried. but when the love is permitted to shine through, oh but it is bright. ）
Younger than me by some six years. His name is Sasuke.
no subject
Sasuke. [ Shang-chi repeats, nodding. ] What's he like?
no subject
（ his voice is very distant as he speaks, no more inflection than if he had chanced to read a roster of shinobi registrations. ）
I did not see him from the time he was seven, until he was sixteen. I know very little of the man he became, and cannot say for certain how one might describe him now.
no subject
[ Shang-chi listens, putting this information to memory and feeling the hollow way it echoes something in his chest. He thinks of Xialing who was no more than ten years old before he left ... and then it wasn't until another ten years later before he saw her again.
He knows next to nothing about the person she is now, but ... he wants to. He wants to regain the last bit of family that he's got left. But something about what Itachi says strikes him as a little weird. ]
You ... can't see him? If you went back home.
cw: light suicidality
he could lie, but sees little point in doing so. a handful of people know, and he trusts shang-chi now more than he did clara then.
more than that, perhaps, is that he is tired of having mistruths inform his identity so completely he barely exists beyond them. )
No. I am dead in my world. ( there is a faint tilt of his head, reminiscent of the crows he calls. ) I met my end in combat. Very few shinobi survive to advanced age — it was not unexpected.
( it was in fact a goal, pursued with single-minded determination, from the time he was all of thirteen years old. )
no subject
[ Shang-chi goes a little quiet.
Maybe it shouldn't have surprised him, or maybe it's because it doesn't, because he can see a situation where he winds up losing his own life in combat too, had also been prepared for it — but he looks back in Itachi's direction.
Honestly, his confession only brings about even more questions ... about how he came to be here, how he could have known that, what is involved in his regret, whether he'd get a chance to see things undone — you know, real easy conversational topics.
He nods suddenly feeling tongue-tied. ]
I'm —
[ He stops himself, because the words feel stupid to say. ]
no subject
Do not be.
（ sorry. but shang-chi is good-hearted, and it stands to reason that would be the thing he reaches for. compassion is difficult to come by, in lives like theirs. it is why his mien softens after a moment, and there is a touch of a smile at one corner of his mouth as he reaches out. his hand alights briefly, there and gone, on the man's shoulder. ）
Where my death was concerned, I had no regrets.
no subject
[ He nods again, nearly letting out an exhale. It's good enough to be understood without having to say the words so explicitly, but he does mean the sentiment as much as he really can.
His mouth quirks in response too, a brief reflection of Itachi's faint smile. And then he swallows, thoughtful. ]
I don't really know how it works, like at what point is it that they decide to approach us and ask us to join this team. [ Whether it's at their most desperate moment or some other crucial moment in their lives. ] But I didn't think it was possible, to bring someone in who died.
no subject
（ he reclaims his chair, crosses his legs at the ankle. he looks — leisurely like this, perfectly at ease, commanding in a way that speaks to the upbringing of one expected, once upon a time, to lead armies. ）
However, there was a man here briefly — Shikamaru Nara, from my own world — who confirmed it.
（ it is something of a lie — shikamaru said no such thing directly, but it is easy to arrange the context of their conversations such that the inference exists. he had been out of chakra, his failing heart a stutter in his chest, more blinded than not by the cruel rigors of the mangekyō, bloody from a half-dozen wounds and burns and the drain of susano'o on his life. if he was not dead when sasuke's face slipped from his sight, he does not doubt his brother would have slit his throat to ensure it. it was the only way that fight could ever have ended. ）
no subject
[ That had been some time ago ... not even long since he'd joined the Ximilia crew. ]
I met him once, in the sunlight room. We didn't talk for that long but I didn't know he was from your world.
[ But it is something of a reassurance to know that the memory of dying or being dead isn't what Itachi came to the station with, especially when that could have easily been him too had things gone really badly back home.
And there were some pretty close calls.
More than that, he genuinely does hope for the best for his friend. Because after a year slowly getting to know him, to fight alongside him, and to share in each of these missions together, they are friends. Shang-chi wouldn't even say he's got many of those. ]
no subject
（ itachi has never seen the point in being particularly secretive about what he is, and the barest amounts of what he can do. but then — he is accustomed to a certain level of notoriety. when one's face, name and life story are spilled across the pages of a bingo book, accompanied by a considerable reward for kill or capture, one learns very quickly that privacy is a tool to be wielded like any other, and discarded when it ceases to suit you. his reputation's preceding him allowed him to avoid situations that would have otherwise lead to a fight. few people want to face the sharingan, and fewer still a man so ruthless as to have murdered his own kin.
ximilia is, in point of fact, the first time in a decade that people only know what he has told them.
it's a strange, ephemeral sort of freedom. one that is still new enough to be precious to him. ）
He was from a point some three years after my death. Though he was not aboard the Ximilia long — I was grateful to learn what followed.
（ whatever else happened. kakashi's war, the destruction of konoha, all the deaths — sasuke lives until at least nineteen. ）