（ intrigue is the thing that sees him get up. while he wasn't exactly wearing uncomfortable clothing (truly, he does not own any) he does swap to something a bit looser, and he takes the time to wind his hair up into a long braided bun at the top of his head before he leaves his room, heading for the simulation room — in and of itself a strange locale to request.
he slips inside with only the soft hydraulics of the door to announce his arrival, and then clears his throat politely. ）
[Natasha doesn't startle when he announces his presence. She's customized the simulation room to become a dance studio—one of the earliest sims she made, but one she's shared with relatively few. It's not as though it's especially interesting, though the mirrors and bar definitely give it a particular vibe.
She's stretching when he arrives, and she doesn't stop when he arrives.]
（ dark eyes shift to red. he doesn't truly need the sharingan for this — his visual perception and memorization are both exceptional on their own. but the memories of the sharingan are crisper, clearer.
and given their limited time left, and that he is aware of natasha's death in her own world — perhaps it is more a matter of remembering her than what she intends to show him. ）
[Natasha is far past being bothered by something like that. She's seen enough of Itachi's jutsu by now, and honestly at this point? What's a little eye change.
She nods to his attention, and goes into teaching mode.
She hasn't really taught like this before, not ballet. Not really. She doesn't usually share the things she actually enjoys. Usually it's how to throw a punch, how to break a chokehold.
Walking Itachi through the positions and the basic steps, she shares the part of her childhood she enjoyed. Such as it was.]
he watches. listens. patient and steady. it never did take him long to learn new things, and physicality comes easy to him. she is a good teacher, and he a fair student — but more than that, he just. relaxes into the experience. he does not speak more than necessary, and his mind is still water. he is not imagining weapons, or how she might turn some step of the dance into violence, or how this could all be over tomorrow. he just enjoys himself, and her company, and the obvious joy she finds is what she's doing, and the beauty with which she does it.
she isn't a shinobi. there is no kekkei genkai to guide her, to imprint patterns of movement and flows of chakra in her mind the way one etches out perfect recall in stone. yet, he cannot imagine anyone would meet her and not think her formidable. she may in fact be the most formidable woman he has ever met — not because she knows how to kill, but because she prefers to be kind.
it is afterwards, when they've claimed a bench along the far wall and are passing a water bottle back and forth between them, that he says: ）
I've decided to give up my regret.
（ he has told no one else, and intends to tell no one else but viveca. even wei ying — he does not have any desire to see the look in the man's eyes when he says as much, because he knows it would be hope and trust and love and boundless admiration, and he is not... in a place where he thinks he could withstand such things. not now. not yet. perhaps not ever.
but natasha? she will understand. better than most. ）
[He's a very good student. And a good teammate. Natasha appreciates the time with him, and in some ways the fact he doesn't have to fill it with conversation.
By the time they stop, she feels good about the progress. Enough she can partner with him for a few steps.
Not to get all maudlin about it, but it's nice for a little while not to have to only work on solos.
She takes the water from him, basking in the companionable silence. When Itachi chooses to break it, an expression creeps into Natasha's features. Not surprise, but curiosity and something else. Some mild, bittersweet emotion she doesn't bother putting a name to.]
Yeah?
[She takes another sip, considering him.]
Because you've changed your mind about your regret, or you've changed your mind about the orbs?
（ it is not a question he needs to consider. the orbs are a danger he has always been willing to face, but — ）
The former.
（ he's spent years now, pursuing it with abject devotion. it became a point of singular focus. he was willing to kill and die for it — and had nearly done both, on more than one occasion. but something has... shifted.
he gives her a sidelong glance, and cannot quite keep it from being the speculative glance one might give an opponent before a bout. and then his gaze slides away, and focuses on the far wall. red eyes close briefly, and are dark when he opens them anew. ）
Changing my regret would mean altering the trajectory of my brother's life, a decision I have made for him once before. I have decided that it is not my choice to make a second time.
（ it is said matter-of-factly, with no emotional inference. but perhaps just the fact he is willing to be forthcoming about it speaks the emotive volumes that fail to blossom along the spiderweb of his words. ）
[She nods at his answer. Natasha doesn't for a moment pretend she knows just the weight of that choice, just how much Itachi would have had to learn or grow to let go of control like that.
But she does sense the shift, and maybe has some vague sense of the shape of it. Maybe understands just a little how difficult letting go of something like that can be.
Natasha toys with the water bottle briefly before offering it back.
Honestly, she's rather flattered he told her.]
I'm glad you decided to stick around.
[She says it levelly, like she's commenting on team composition—and she's not mad to have Itachi still on their side—but she also doesn't doubt for a moment that there was a time he'd have left as soon as his mission here was resolved.]
（ there's a faint, amused twitch at one corner of his mouth. not quite a smile. ）
I've heard it said I'm somewhat useful.
（ says local child soldier, 23 3/4s. he takes the water bottle back, and thumbs briefly at the lid on its plastic tether. there is a part of him that's reluctant to press her for information — he is hardly ignorant of her tendency to disregard her own feelings, to splay out the details of a sorry history like the entrails of a bird that one might divine some commonality there.
but. finally, he decides — to trust that she will not answer unless she wishes to. to have faith in the fact that she knows enough of him by now not to experience obligation to satiate his curiosity. ultimately, she owes him nothing. ）
That is a conversation Yelena and I have been having, actually.
[Natasha's tone is subdued, her brows pinching slightly as though puzzling through something unfamiliar. The reluctance as she says it isn't pain so much as uncertainty talking about herself, hesitation to take the focus herself.
In a strange way it's easier to reveal things when the choice was strategic, a way to encourage a bond.
Harder to sound as though she might be taking advice.]
I'd been toying with the idea of changing my regret for a while, but the more I think about it the more it seems like it might be smarter to give it up entirely.
[She shrugs; not the same reasons.]
Yelena wants me to us my regret to survive Vormir. Maybe not home, but somewhere. The more I think about it, though, the more I think about the orbs on Viveca's world, and Degar's, the old captain's... it's a little strong to be a coincidence, and I just don't know if it's worth risking that kind of attention if something goes wrong.
（ and that's where they differ. even acknowledging that he would not object to remaining aboard the ximilia means nothing when, at the end of it all, he will still choose death. nothing — not the friends he's made or the love he's felt or the peace he's made with the blood on his hands will ever change that. death has had a hold on him as long as he has been alive, since that first moment his knife bit bone in a stranger's neck, and he had carried that memory with him off a cliffside.
reflex had saved him. but even that had not been a desire to live. it had simply been an acceptance of living.
When I got out of the Red Room, I left Yelena behind. I let myself believe that she'd be all right—that she'd be all right without me checking in on her, that I'd cut off the head.
（ isn't that so like an older sibling. he snorts, very nearly in amusement. ）
I see. Do you not think that may alter the trajectory of your fate on Vormir?
（ events bleed into one another, things that seem small grow from the seed of past actions. it may change. it may not. without knowing what lies between those two paths, it's difficult to gauge correctly. ）
[It could change a lot of things. Would she still be an Avenger? She hinks so, but who's to say. Would Yelena have gotten wrapped up in that part of her life?
Sixteen years is a lot of time for the butterfly effect to do its thing. At the same time...]
It's possible anything I change might do that, since the people we lost in the snap were random. Any change might change who lived and died that day for all I know...
But I lost Yelena in the Snap once, and if it happened again I'm fairly confident I'd make the same choice even if other things had played out differently.
（ who she is, and what yelena means to her — those things were solidified well in advance of the time of her regret. very likely she's correct.
he sets the water bottle between them on the bench, and then laces his hands between his knees. he leans forward as he does, feeling the pull of scar tissue against his right shoulder where venom's claws bit into him. ）
Knowing what we do about the effect of the orbs — that they create a divergent timeline, and not that they amend our own — changing your regret would still not necessarily result in the Natasha you have come to be here and now continuing to survive.
（ it isn't said with any cruelty — it's more speculative. he's certain she's examined the possibilities from all angles, but it does help, sometimes, to discuss such things aloud. ）
（ yelena is older than he is, but it's almost impossible to see her that way. she carries herself in a way he's accustomed to associating with younger siblings — and this conversation is only driving it home all the more.
would sasuke say the same of him, now? possessing the knowledge itachi has now left him with?
love between siblings is a curious thing. ）
Ultimately, （ he begins thoughtfully, with a faint press of his lips punctuating the single word, ） what Yelena wants is not relevant. The choice should only be yours. If you have made the decision for yourself that you want to live, I will help you. I've completed every one of my personal goals to this point. If that goodwill （ his mouth quirks upwards — an ironic word for it, he knows ） can be transferred to you, it's yours.
[That does surprise Natasha. In a way, it never fails to surprise her when people help her—when someone sees her as someone worth trying to save. Clint did that for her once, and Steve in a way. Both of them had seen someone in her who could deserve to have a place in the world.
She's not sure that she agrees with any of them, really, but that sort of faith is part of why she does what she does, attempting to be better than her roots. Attempting to help where she can.
Attempting to be kind.]
I'd ask if you're sure about that, but I get the feeling you've never been unsure about anything once you've decided to do it.
[She means it as a joke, a gentle deflection for an act of support she never asked for and didn't expect.]
Thank you. Whether or not I decide to go through with it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'll be in the simulation room. Dress comfortable.
[Helpfully, and intentionally not including more information. She trusts Itachi to figure it out.]
no subject
he slips inside with only the soft hydraulics of the door to announce his arrival, and then clears his throat politely. ）
no subject
She's stretching when he arrives, and she doesn't stop when he arrives.]
Have you done much dancing before?
no subject
he does give her a nod of greeting, however. ）
Only when necessary for a mission.
（ whether aboard the ximilia or before, he doesn't trouble himself to specify. it isn't a relevant detail. ）
no subject
It's just a matter of how much she has to show him.]
Not a bad alternative to sparring. Uses a lot of the same skills and muscles.
[Which makes it a good way to work off some frustration when you're not in the mood for more fighting.]
no subject
（ dark eyes shift to red. he doesn't truly need the sharingan for this — his visual perception and memorization are both exceptional on their own. but the memories of the sharingan are crisper, clearer.
and given their limited time left, and that he is aware of natasha's death in her own world — perhaps it is more a matter of remembering her than what she intends to show him. ）
no subject
She nods to his attention, and goes into teaching mode.
She hasn't really taught like this before, not ballet. Not really. She doesn't usually share the things she actually enjoys. Usually it's how to throw a punch, how to break a chokehold.
Walking Itachi through the positions and the basic steps, she shares the part of her childhood she enjoyed. Such as it was.]
no subject
he watches. listens. patient and steady. it never did take him long to learn new things, and physicality comes easy to him. she is a good teacher, and he a fair student — but more than that, he just. relaxes into the experience. he does not speak more than necessary, and his mind is still water. he is not imagining weapons, or how she might turn some step of the dance into violence, or how this could all be over tomorrow. he just enjoys himself, and her company, and the obvious joy she finds is what she's doing, and the beauty with which she does it.
she isn't a shinobi. there is no kekkei genkai to guide her, to imprint patterns of movement and flows of chakra in her mind the way one etches out perfect recall in stone. yet, he cannot imagine anyone would meet her and not think her formidable. she may in fact be the most formidable woman he has ever met — not because she knows how to kill, but because she prefers to be kind.
it is afterwards, when they've claimed a bench along the far wall and are passing a water bottle back and forth between them, that he says: ）
I've decided to give up my regret.
（ he has told no one else, and intends to tell no one else but viveca. even wei ying — he does not have any desire to see the look in the man's eyes when he says as much, because he knows it would be hope and trust and love and boundless admiration, and he is not... in a place where he thinks he could withstand such things. not now. not yet. perhaps not ever.
but natasha? she will understand. better than most. ）
no subject
By the time they stop, she feels good about the progress. Enough she can partner with him for a few steps.
Not to get all maudlin about it, but it's nice for a little while not to have to only work on solos.
She takes the water from him, basking in the companionable silence. When Itachi chooses to break it, an expression creeps into Natasha's features. Not surprise, but curiosity and something else. Some mild, bittersweet emotion she doesn't bother putting a name to.]
Yeah?
[She takes another sip, considering him.]
Because you've changed your mind about your regret, or you've changed your mind about the orbs?
no subject
The former.
（ he's spent years now, pursuing it with abject devotion. it became a point of singular focus. he was willing to kill and die for it — and had nearly done both, on more than one occasion. but something has... shifted.
he gives her a sidelong glance, and cannot quite keep it from being the speculative glance one might give an opponent before a bout. and then his gaze slides away, and focuses on the far wall. red eyes close briefly, and are dark when he opens them anew. ）
Changing my regret would mean altering the trajectory of my brother's life, a decision I have made for him once before. I have decided that it is not my choice to make a second time.
（ it is said matter-of-factly, with no emotional inference. but perhaps just the fact he is willing to be forthcoming about it speaks the emotive volumes that fail to blossom along the spiderweb of his words. ）
no subject
But she does sense the shift, and maybe has some vague sense of the shape of it. Maybe understands just a little how difficult letting go of something like that can be.
Natasha toys with the water bottle briefly before offering it back.
Honestly, she's rather flattered he told her.]
I'm glad you decided to stick around.
[She says it levelly, like she's commenting on team composition—and she's not mad to have Itachi still on their side—but she also doesn't doubt for a moment that there was a time he'd have left as soon as his mission here was resolved.]
no subject
I've heard it said I'm somewhat useful.
（ says local child soldier, 23 3/4s. he takes the water bottle back, and thumbs briefly at the lid on its plastic tether. there is a part of him that's reluctant to press her for information — he is hardly ignorant of her tendency to disregard her own feelings, to splay out the details of a sorry history like the entrails of a bird that one might divine some commonality there.
but. finally, he decides — to trust that she will not answer unless she wishes to. to have faith in the fact that she knows enough of him by now not to experience obligation to satiate his curiosity. ultimately, she owes him nothing. ）
What of yourself?
no subject
[Natasha's tone is subdued, her brows pinching slightly as though puzzling through something unfamiliar. The reluctance as she says it isn't pain so much as uncertainty talking about herself, hesitation to take the focus herself.
In a strange way it's easier to reveal things when the choice was strategic, a way to encourage a bond.
Harder to sound as though she might be taking advice.]
I'd been toying with the idea of changing my regret for a while, but the more I think about it the more it seems like it might be smarter to give it up entirely.
[She shrugs; not the same reasons.]
Yelena wants me to us my regret to survive Vormir. Maybe not home, but somewhere. The more I think about it, though, the more I think about the orbs on Viveca's world, and Degar's, the old captain's... it's a little strong to be a coincidence, and I just don't know if it's worth risking that kind of attention if something goes wrong.
no subject
（ survive, he means. a loaded question between them, given their respective lives. but — meaningful, nevertheless. ）
no subject
[She doesn't mean it defensively, more acknowledging that it was complicated. It's still complicated.]
I just had higher priorities than surviving. Still do, technically.
[She still can't do anything that would endanger her sacrifice, or have someone else make it in her place.]
But I guess... somewhere along the line, I did start wanting to live a little more.
[And there's the distinction. She hadn't wanted to die, but she hadn't been especially invested in living either.]
Always figured I'd end up in a ditch somewhere, and I'd made peace with that.
cw: suicidal ideations
reflex had saved him. but even that had not been a desire to live. it had simply been an acceptance of living.
he closes his eyes briefly. then: ）
What is your regret? Currently.
no subject
When I got out of the Red Room, I left Yelena behind. I let myself believe that she'd be all right—that she'd be all right without me checking in on her, that I'd cut off the head.
And I figured she'd be better off without me.
no subject
I see. Do you not think that may alter the trajectory of your fate on Vormir?
（ events bleed into one another, things that seem small grow from the seed of past actions. it may change. it may not. without knowing what lies between those two paths, it's difficult to gauge correctly. ）
no subject
[It could change a lot of things. Would she still be an Avenger? She hinks so, but who's to say. Would Yelena have gotten wrapped up in that part of her life?
Sixteen years is a lot of time for the butterfly effect to do its thing. At the same time...]
It's possible anything I change might do that, since the people we lost in the snap were random. Any change might change who lived and died that day for all I know...
But I lost Yelena in the Snap once, and if it happened again I'm fairly confident I'd make the same choice even if other things had played out differently.
no subject
（ who she is, and what yelena means to her — those things were solidified well in advance of the time of her regret. very likely she's correct.
he sets the water bottle between them on the bench, and then laces his hands between his knees. he leans forward as he does, feeling the pull of scar tissue against his right shoulder where venom's claws bit into him. ）
Knowing what we do about the effect of the orbs — that they create a divergent timeline, and not that they amend our own — changing your regret would still not necessarily result in the Natasha you have come to be here and now continuing to survive.
（ it isn't said with any cruelty — it's more speculative. he's certain she's examined the possibilities from all angles, but it does help, sometimes, to discuss such things aloud. ）
no subject
[Like trying to think of a way to outsmart a monkey's paw. Which of course, leads naturally to her conclusion.]
Yelena would probably still say that at least some version of me would have a chance.
no subject
would sasuke say the same of him, now? possessing the knowledge itachi has now left him with?
love between siblings is a curious thing. ）
Ultimately, （ he begins thoughtfully, with a faint press of his lips punctuating the single word, ） what Yelena wants is not relevant. The choice should only be yours. If you have made the decision for yourself that you want to live, I will help you. I've completed every one of my personal goals to this point. If that goodwill （ his mouth quirks upwards — an ironic word for it, he knows ） can be transferred to you, it's yours.
no subject
She's not sure that she agrees with any of them, really, but that sort of faith is part of why she does what she does, attempting to be better than her roots. Attempting to help where she can.
Attempting to be kind.]
I'd ask if you're sure about that, but I get the feeling you've never been unsure about anything once you've decided to do it.
[She means it as a joke, a gentle deflection for an act of support she never asked for and didn't expect.]
Thank you. Whether or not I decide to go through with it.
no subject
（ that intractable nature. never let it be said he's unaware of his own flaws, for all that it's said in that selfsame joking manner. ）
I know we've discussed the possibility of remaining aboard the Ximilia in the past as well. If that is still an option, would that suffice?
no subject
[Even if it opens a whole list of questions, the answers currently unknown.]
If we find out what that even means. But it would seem like the best way for the version of me that I've become to have a future.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)