Coping is... a cog that exists within scope of the （ his expression ticks faintly — he doesn't like speaking so inelegantly, but — ） 'process'. But surviving on any level is still moving forward, and processing does not necessarily mean that you are doing it well.
（ he is tired of sitting here in this dark theatre environment, so he accesses the simulation room interface with his earpiece, idly scrolling through other possibilities, and settles on a lush, expansive forest. it's not a combat simulation, at least? ）
[She watches the scene shift from a movie theater to a forest. She can see how this is more pleasant, though she is still holding her soda and snacks. Apparently they are having a picnic now.
She sniffs a little at the question. This is a difficult one for her to answer because it's so broad and because she is very acutely aware of how little time she actually had with Natasha.]
（ it's quaint. childish. the sort of thing that was perhaps formative in her youth and was never overwritten by adulthood. he does not immediately know what to say, if only because he does not know if she realizes how much that statement reveals.
[She may not realize it, but she also wasn’t trying to hide the fact that she hadn’t gotten much time with Natasha. She tilts her head a little at the question and looks at him, curious.]
Would you say that we are friends, Itachi?
[It might seem like an odd question, maybe a little out of nowhere. But she means it honestly and isn’t trying to be combative. She doesn’t mean to put him on the spot. She genuinely likes him, but suspects things like friendship are even harder for him than they are for her.
And the only other person Natasha shared the whistle with was her best friend. Yelena might have issues with Clint Barton but she could no longer deny that there was mutual love and respect between him and her sister. Even if it’s childish, Yelena feels like there should be some sort of understanding of trust before sharing the whistle herself.]
（ if the question catches him off-guard, it isn't evident. nothing of his mien or posture changes. he is simply stone-silent for a time, with the sense that he is considering what she is saying more than being deliberately recalcitrant.
finally: ）
I do not know.
（ 'friendship' is, as she suspects, a difficult concept. he has not thought of anyone in that way for nearly a decade. shisui stood in that place for him, and was peerless there.
yelena has been kind to him. obnoxiously so in one notable instance. but they have an understanding of one another, born of shared life experience that many others aboard the ximilia lack. but is that friendship? it has been mostly tolerance to this point. he tilts his head curiously, and then: ）
I am not averse to being so. But such labels are... at odds, with much of my life.
[She nods a little in agreement and eats some candy. She's not surprised he gets it. And in a way, she is excited to talk about it with someone from a similar background, who might understand.
Other people have expressed sympathy about her past, and she appreciates that but that's not the same as actually understanding the experience. ]
In the Red Room sometimes, we would have to kill each other to pass a test and move forward with training. To continue existing. It is hard to make friends in that situation. And harder keep them.
I am free now, so I can make friends, but it's tricky. I don't always think like other people. And trust is hard, you know? Both giving it and earning it.
（ he is not immune to empathy — he knows what it is like, to live beneath that dark shadow. his expression flickers, brow faintly furrowed, and then smoothes back out. ）
That is a common gauntlet in shinobi villages as well. Many people believe that sentiment indicates weakness, and so should be excised.
（ love has only ever given him strength. what of it he's cauterized has been by necessity. ）
（ the best way to ensure the compliance of a tool is to isolate them, break them down until they will obey only because it's better than being alone, praise and punishment in equal measure. men like zabuza and kisame were made to be what they are on purpose. and their handlers act so surprised when they bite the hand. ）
But you survived it. Your future is yours to shape how you wish.
Yes, that is true. I think that is why I don't mind being here on the Ximilia. In some ways I have more freedom here.
[Her skill set is pretty specific. Back home she's still an assassin. She's not sure what else she can do that she is good at and pays well. Here she feels like can apply her skills differently, more like she did right after the Red Room fell when she was helping the Widows. She feels like she has room to breathe to figure things out.]
（ it's a soft noise of agreement, but he does not elaborate. instead, refocusing on what lead them here: ）
So, your question of friendship — the whistle is important to you, and you do not wish to tell someone who is not a friend?
（ that's his take on her ... not resistance, but the way she had maneuvered around the subject. he does not object to it, and isn't offended in the least. it makes sense. some things are precious. ）
（ he doesn't say it cruelly, or as a thing meant in pettiness or spite, though he does not expect she would take it that way regardless — they know what they are. it is just that trust is a prickly issue for him — both as a thing given and received. he would not advise anyone trust him at all. ）
But I hope there is someone here for you one day that earns it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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About…a year and a half. Maybe a little more.
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（ he shrugs faintly, a slight uptick of one shoulder. ）
Grief is... messy. There is no any one way to cope.
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[Because she's pretty sure you can have coping without processing.]
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（ he is tired of sitting here in this dark theatre environment, so he accesses the simulation room interface with his earpiece, idly scrolling through other possibilities, and settles on a lush, expansive forest. it's not a combat simulation, at least? ）
Tell me about her.
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She sniffs a little at the question. This is a difficult one for her to answer because it's so broad and because she is very acutely aware of how little time she actually had with Natasha.]
What...do you want to know?
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（ a simple place to start, not terribly obtrusive. ）
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Eventually she rubs her eyes and replies:]
She taught me to whistle. And then she taught me a specific whistle to use when we were separated, so we could find each other.
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at length: ）
What was it? The whistle.
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Would you say that we are friends, Itachi?
[It might seem like an odd question, maybe a little out of nowhere. But she means it honestly and isn’t trying to be combative. She doesn’t mean to put him on the spot. She genuinely likes him, but suspects things like friendship are even harder for him than they are for her.
And the only other person Natasha shared the whistle with was her best friend. Yelena might have issues with Clint Barton but she could no longer deny that there was mutual love and respect between him and her sister. Even if it’s childish, Yelena feels like there should be some sort of understanding of trust before sharing the whistle herself.]
no subject
finally: ）
I do not know.
（ 'friendship' is, as she suspects, a difficult concept. he has not thought of anyone in that way for nearly a decade. shisui stood in that place for him, and was peerless there.
yelena has been kind to him. obnoxiously so in one notable instance. but they have an understanding of one another, born of shared life experience that many others aboard the ximilia lack. but is that friendship? it has been mostly tolerance to this point. he tilts his head curiously, and then: ）
I am not averse to being so. But such labels are... at odds, with much of my life.
no subject
[She nods a little in agreement and eats some candy. She's not surprised he gets it. And in a way, she is excited to talk about it with someone from a similar background, who might understand.
Other people have expressed sympathy about her past, and she appreciates that but that's not the same as actually understanding the experience. ]
In the Red Room sometimes, we would have to kill each other to pass a test and move forward with training. To continue existing. It is hard to make friends in that situation. And harder keep them.
I am free now, so I can make friends, but it's tricky. I don't always think like other people. And trust is hard, you know? Both giving it and earning it.
no subject
That is a common gauntlet in shinobi villages as well. Many people believe that sentiment indicates weakness, and so should be excised.
（ love has only ever given him strength. what of it he's cauterized has been by necessity. ）
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[Not that she's bitter, but she might be a little bitter.]
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（ the best way to ensure the compliance of a tool is to isolate them, break them down until they will obey only because it's better than being alone, praise and punishment in equal measure. men like zabuza and kisame were made to be what they are on purpose. and their handlers act so surprised when they bite the hand. ）
But you survived it. Your future is yours to shape how you wish.
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Yes, that is true. I think that is why I don't mind being here on the Ximilia. In some ways I have more freedom here.
[Her skill set is pretty specific. Back home she's still an assassin. She's not sure what else she can do that she is good at and pays well. Here she feels like can apply her skills differently, more like she did right after the Red Room fell when she was helping the Widows. She feels like she has room to breathe to figure things out.]
no subject
（ it's a soft noise of agreement, but he does not elaborate. instead, refocusing on what lead them here: ）
So, your question of friendship — the whistle is important to you, and you do not wish to tell someone who is not a friend?
（ that's his take on her ... not resistance, but the way she had maneuvered around the subject. he does not object to it, and isn't offended in the least. it makes sense. some things are precious. ）
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Yes, that's right. She only shared it with someone she trusted completely and who trusted her in return. I feel like it should be the same for me.
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（ he doesn't say it cruelly, or as a thing meant in pettiness or spite, though he does not expect she would take it that way regardless — they know what they are. it is just that trust is a prickly issue for him — both as a thing given and received. he would not advise anyone trust him at all. ）
But I hope there is someone here for you one day that earns it.