（ he is perched in the most unexciting of places — his own room, on the neat folded duvet he treats as more a mattress than his actual mattress, which is generally stripped bare. when blue reaches out, he twitches physically, a ripple of myriad intermingling emotions dappling their connection with wariness, concern, very real anger and somewhere buried beneath it all, a tiny spark of something like relief.
it is telling, perhaps, that he could shut blue out entirely and doesn't. this too is a choice. ）
What?
（ it's blunt, sharp-edged and sonorous, pleasantries stripped away by the unfettered hands of grief and loathing and misery he generally marshals with significantly more finesse than this. ）
[so that wasn't a fluke, huh. Blue only waits a beat for the follow-up that doesn't happen before his form settles to mirror the way Itachi himself sits.]
I felt a ripple...something dreadful. You are not someone who lets your emotions slip unchecked, so I feared something happened.
（ perhaps it is three hundred years' experience, or something innate to mu that gives blue the knowledge and ability to navigate his issues so deftly. there is no mistaking that he has learned. that, bit by bit, they have clawed their way to something like precarious understanding — a tolerant, uneasy peace.
itachi, both in reality and the unreality of the mindscape, closes his eyes. flat black in one world, red in the other — at the very least, he is not blind in one world. ）
I apologize for having disturbed you.
（ he knows that is not blue's implication, nor is censure his intention in coming here. but it gains him a moment of distance, of thought, and lets him breathe. ）
（ if grief posed a danger to him, he would have died with shisui. he does not feel he owes blue an explanation, exactly — he is a private man by nature, and has always been fiercely protective of his own interiority.
yet. that nature, that tendency, that is one of the many, many things that lead him to ruin.
his fingers twitch faintly. he has no scars in this world, but he still wears the ring of the akatsuki, emblazoned with its vermillion sigil. ）
I required something of Viveca-san. Her answer... alarmed me.
['alarming' to Itachi could be likely very dire in many contexts, given how muted the man is to many dreadful matters through that intense mental conditioning of his.]
I'm sorry. I imagine...it's not something I or any of the others can help with.
（ he is still working out how he feels about the fact that blue has reached out at all. blue, who has seen the worst of him. who has watched him stand over the bodies of his family and not flinched from him.
the desire to make him is there, coiled and quiescent. he has seen enough of blue to know which fractures to press on until they break beneath bloodied hands. it isn't the first time he has imagined breaking him down to nothing, he doubts it will be the last. but for now, it remains a thing left alone, choking on unrealized momentum.
being cared for is so much worse a thing than being alone. it's excoriating, and he is too long gone to rust. ）
（ time passes strangely in the mind. what seems to one a moment may be to another a lifetime — at any rate, he does not speak again until his physical body needs draw breath. ）
It is natural to wish to go beyond your capacity as well. Most people dream of being stronger, or smarter, or better at what they do. We all wish to be remarkable, to be memorable in some way.
（ once upon a time, he too had dreamed of being hokage. ）
You were exhausted, overtaxed, and it killed you. That is consequence enough, without adding guilt or shame to what followed.
（ he does not like admitting it. but he has not held an expectation of being cared for much of his life — and this is already overwhelming for him, like the taste of something sweet on the tongue of an ascetic. ）
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
like kinder surprise, banned in the states
it is telling, perhaps, that he could shut blue out entirely and doesn't. this too is a choice. ）
What?
（ it's blunt, sharp-edged and sonorous, pleasantries stripped away by the unfettered hands of grief and loathing and misery he generally marshals with significantly more finesse than this. ）
no subject
I felt a ripple...something dreadful. You are not someone who lets your emotions slip unchecked, so I feared something happened.
[translation: u good??]
no subject
itachi, both in reality and the unreality of the mindscape, closes his eyes. flat black in one world, red in the other — at the very least, he is not blind in one world. ）
I apologize for having disturbed you.
（ he knows that is not blue's implication, nor is censure his intention in coming here. but it gains him a moment of distance, of thought, and lets him breathe. ）
no subject
It's not something I need apologies for. I came in case you were in danger, being harmed in some way.
no subject
（ if grief posed a danger to him, he would have died with shisui. he does not feel he owes blue an explanation, exactly — he is a private man by nature, and has always been fiercely protective of his own interiority.
yet. that nature, that tendency, that is one of the many, many things that lead him to ruin.
his fingers twitch faintly. he has no scars in this world, but he still wears the ring of the akatsuki, emblazoned with its vermillion sigil. ）
I required something of Viveca-san. Her answer... alarmed me.
no subject
I'm sorry. I imagine...it's not something I or any of the others can help with.
no subject
（ he is still working out how he feels about the fact that blue has reached out at all. blue, who has seen the worst of him. who has watched him stand over the bodies of his family and not flinched from him.
the desire to make him is there, coiled and quiescent. he has seen enough of blue to know which fractures to press on until they break beneath bloodied hands. it isn't the first time he has imagined breaking him down to nothing, he doubts it will be the last. but for now, it remains a thing left alone, choking on unrealized momentum.
being cared for is so much worse a thing than being alone. it's excoriating, and he is too long gone to rust. ）
How are you feeling now?
no subject
just be patient, Itachi.
to the question, Blue nods.]
I've recovered some strength now that we are back here; projecting like this doesn't hurt at all.
[wouldn't it be terrible for that resurrection penalty to kick in right now.]
no subject
Do you have much memory of what occurred?
no subject
eventually:] I remember the attack, yes. Falling. I don't remember...when Sabriel arrived, but I felt her focus and fear. Yzak's.
Your exhaustion.
I remember...Ford... [his eyes close.]
There was nothing...I could do.
no subject
（ easier to say than to believe. he is, at least, aware of his own hypocrisy. ）
no subject
[he can believe it, because he's quite aware he's...very limited, despite his hopes and efforts.
his eyes open again, tinged with melancholy he won't bother trying to hide.]
And I know...that the nature of these entities we are sent to seek... They are capricious. Cruel, even.
I think...it's giving me that change in my heart. The one you told me...to speak to, should it ever happen.
you really were just gonna let me rawdog that /i fuck-up huh
（ time passes strangely in the mind. what seems to one a moment may be to another a lifetime — at any rate, he does not speak again until his physical body needs draw breath. ）
Have you told anyone else?
it's what friends do
[he nods slightly.]
He was here...when I woke again. He knows...what it is that's brought me here, but...not what's changed.
Neither do I. Not entirely. It's still...changing in me. My convictions, my hopes...
this is why you're off my christmas list
（ unsurprisingly. blue is perilously easy to care for. ）
no subject
I know. My own strength...failed us both. He's done so much for my sake.
You all have.
no subject
（ there's an edge to that sentiment, backed by a swell of anger. ）
no subject
What do you call it, then?
no subject
You have fought longer and harder than most. Reaching your limit is not failure, it is life.
no subject
And, maybe...railing against that limit...is also another facet.
no subject
（ once upon a time, he too had dreamed of being hokage. ）
You were exhausted, overtaxed, and it killed you. That is consequence enough, without adding guilt or shame to what followed.
no subject
Going above and beyond...that, too, I think. [so guilt and shame aren't going anywhere! this Mu doesn't purge his feelings, however burdensome.]
But I thank you...for your perspective.
no subject
（ it's perhaps more of a challenge than his usual mild neutrality. he is all jagged edges, worn rough and raw. ）
no subject
is it because of him?]
If I can do no more for you, then...it must be.
no subject
That is enough.
（ he does not like admitting it. but he has not held an expectation of being cared for much of his life — and this is already overwhelming for him, like the taste of something sweet on the tongue of an ascetic. ）
(no subject)